Posts Tagged ‘Sex Discussion’
I know the title may be a little ambiguous but just hear me out. I started this blog because I wanted to have open and honest discussions about Sex, Porn and Sexuality. This means that my traffic is a little lower than some of the big boys and there are times I wonder if I should keep doing what I’m doing.
You see I don’t like it when people are silent about something that should benefit them or save their lives in some way.
Case Number One: While lurking on Twitter I “heard” this question being asked: “Why is that people tell their fantasies to everyone except their significant others?”
I can’t really answer that question without calling into my own experiences. I’ve been very fortunate to have open and honest conversations with many of my friends and what I stress to them is that they don’t need to be like I was earlier in my relationships. You should be able to share what turns you on or what you dislike with the person you have sex with.
However I have heard stories that SOs in relationships are constantly jealous of those fantasies. Why? Why is it that your lady doesn’t love you if she has fantasies about some stud Musician? Why ladies does it means that your man doesn’t love you because he wants to try something Spicy in the bedroom?
I always think that having a fantasy life is like eating at a smorgasbord. You’re not going to like everything so you’re going to pick and choose what you want to make your perfect meal.
I think the reason for so many people dipping out on their mates is a lack of communication about what they want or like. I have a friend who likes freaky women like Belladonna but he keeps dating women who 1) hate porn or 2) don’t have a freak bone in their bodies. So what happens after having boring, non-Belladonna type sex for so many months? He ends up cheating on her via internet porn or In Real Life (IRL).
This kinda leads into my second point: I don’t think people talk enough about sex, period. I mean sex is not just about fucking but I think that there a lot of times that people don’t even talking about the mechanics and the politics of sex unless some Famous Person is involved in something bad.
Tiger Woods got into a car accident because of a supposed domestic dispute regarding supposed extramarital affairs. Now everyone from Dr. Drew to Supahead is coming out trying to “diagnose” his “problem” and women are coming out of the woodwork like the last scene in Spartacus.
You don’t know what kind of sex problems were going on in that house. Maybe Elin was made because Tiger did not respect a “code” that he and her set up (“Do what you want just don’t disrespect the family.”). Or maybe he wanted something more and was too chicken shit to tell his wife.
Whatever Tiger’s issue was I think he could have avoided all of this by being honest with his wife and letting Mrs. Woods make the decision wither or not she wanted to stay.
There needs to be more comprehensive discussion about sex and what falls under its umbrella. I get a little tired of people trying to dictate what sex should or should not be. That’s like trying to dictate what is and what isn’t Black. It’s impossible to put down but there are plenty of people who love to say what is clean sex and dirty sex.
C’mon folk its sex … all of it. Just because its not something you get down with doesn’t mean that you should jettison the acts because you feel its dirty. I say as long as it doesn’t involved children or animals its all fair game.
Of course that’s my opinion and you may disagree but I think there needs to be more of an open dialogue good or bad.
Speaking of dialogue … when was the last time someone had comprehensive sex education at each level of development. You don’t have it at the K-12 level, you don’t have it at the college level and you sure as well don’t have it when you get out off the real world. Talking about having sex and giving you the tools to make proper decisions about sex is lacking and left to people own devices they are forced to turn to porn, books and other people who have bad info.
Think I’m exaggerating. Ask your Priest, Doctor or other health professional why they don’t mention good sex as a component for keeping a marriage together. Ask you friends where they learned how to the learned about sex. Ask publishers why there hasn’t been a major sex education book since Joy of Sex and the Karma Sutra.
Okay I’ve shouted from my soapbox enough. So readers why do you think that folk are quiet on Sex? Is it for the reasons I mentioned, is there something else I might have missed or should I just Sit Down And Shut Up?
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I love my readers. I really do. I’ve said this before because of the way they do engage me and point me into new directions or new experiences.
Today’s topic came from one of my favorite reader’s Alice. She sent me a very interesting video from Cindy Galloup who spoke at TED
She made news with her 4 minute speech which told the audience that thanks to porn and the lack of sex education to balance it out, you have a number of men having a warped view of how to even have sex.
It’s something that I’ve spoken with my female friends but I think that one part of this goes the heart of the matter. To paraphrase Cindy Gallop, most porn is created by men, for men and touches on men’s fantasies. To that point she referenced her website, Make Love Not Porn, which hopes to balance out the Myths of Porn with their realities.
I liked what she had to say because it didn’t attempt to shame the people who watch porn (Ms. Gallop mentioned that she is a porn watcher herself) but wanted them to take a different look at porn.
My view has always been that porn is fake on so many levels. Porn is like action movies, with plenty to stunts and stuntpeople but not something you could do in real life.
I just wish more people would see it that way.
More later.
Popularity: 5% [?]
So Dr Drew Pinsky had a show to come out during my self-imposed exile during the writing month. This time instead of healing chemical dependency, it tackled the monkey of sexual addiction.
Here are the list of the participants of this years Sex Rehab show, thanks to the site known as The Frisky. Match Them Up With The Pictures Above:
1. Phil Varone: Drummer from Skid Row. Tattooed. The show’s Tommy Lee.
2. Kari Ann Peniche: Fallen beauty queen who did Playboy. Claim to fame: broken engagement to Aaron Carter. Forthcoming memoir: Stripped, Strung Out, and Beautifully Abused. Clothing line: Strung Out Girl. Sexual abuse victim.
3. Duncan Roy: Some British filmmaker.
4. Amber Smith: “Celebrity Rehab” and “Sober House” veteran. Actress, pill-popper. Admitted exchanging sex for drugs on last “Rehab” stint.
5. Kendra Jade Rossi: Ex-porn star. Supposedly broke up K-Fed and Princess Cheetos. Alcoholic, agoraphobe, drug abuser.
6. James Lovett: Extreme sports dude. Between surfing and wake-boarding, he likes to get off a lot.
7. Penny Flame, aka Jennifer Ketchum: Porn star, natch. As Jimmy Kimmel asked, “Can a porn star be a sex addict? Aren’t they really just workaholics?”
8. Nicole Narian: Playboy playmate, model, video [model]. Her addiction lead to a co-starring role in the Colin Farrell sex tape. “That
pretty much ruined my life.” – Source
I can’t begin to tell you the grip that sex addiction holds on folk. I have at times raised an eyebrow every time I hear about someone famous who claims they have sex addiction when they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar. (See Steve Phillips and David Duchovny)
Something I found interesting was how these folk struggled to kick the monkey in the first week. I swore they were one step from tearing each other to pieces. I mean I’ve been horny before but have I been to the point where I couldn’t even function without it?
Nicole Narain mentioned that she spent a full day in bed just masterbating. She’s mentioned that she’s lost jobs because she couldn’t tear her away from what she was doing.
Truth be told, I have addicts in my family and I have an addictive personality and I struggle with not getting hooked on one thing. I have the power to at least know what I can face and what not to get involved in. I feel for the addicts would chose their “drug” of choice rather than the life they want to lead.
Peep out Episode 4 of the show below where the addicts try to work out their issues via Therapy in Day 8.
What did I think of the show? As I said before, I feel for those struggling trying to release themselves of this burden but I’m not a fan of those acting like an ass just because the camera’s are on. This Kari Anne vs Kendra “beef” is probably manufactured and does nothing but dilute the good will the show is trying to do but putting this type of addiction in the spotlight.
Well that is all for me today … more later.
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With this the first Thanksgiving in the Blacksexxxology era, I thought I give my own wishes to those celebrating this holiday with family and/or friends (or a alone).
Since this is a Sex blog I thought I would give you a hint to burn off those calories.
Sex is a wonderful substitute if you can’t get to the gym or the treadmill in the basement.
From eHow.com:
You can burn up to 300 calories per hour by having sex–an exercise that activates all of the body’s muscle groups. While sex is not recommended as a replacement for regular exercise, health experts report that an active sex life is good for your emotional and physical health. – Source
And yes the article says its not a complete replacement for regular exercise but any excuse to get in a “workout” is a good one.
Think of the food that you are eating for the big Dinner. More than not one of those meals is going to be an aphrodisiac in some form. For example my favorite part of the meal is the sweet potato pie. According to this site, I would be better eating it with someone rather than alone.
Sweet Potato: The sweet potato, while not exactly scientifically proven, has been said to increase the female sex drive if consumed in large amounts. What science does know about the sweet potato is that it is high in potassium, which helps reduce stress, as well as Vitamins A, C and iron—all important sex drive-enhancing nutrients. – Source
Well leave your comments about what you are thankful for.
Happy Holidays Everyone!
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So the Falcons played as well as they could but ending up losing to the Saints in the end. I’m a man of my word folks so today’s post comes to us thanks to Sincerely, Go. Take it way Ms Go!
“If only you’d wake up from your opossum playing…..” Although this song is totally unrelated to this post the hook is perfect…. ” Wake up Baby”……
I came across an article via twitter that may have messed up “oPossum Playing” for the rest of us.
Woman Says She Was Raped As She Slept
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
The Associated Press
VANDERBILT, Pa. — A man has been jailed on charges he raped a woman who says she was sleeping deeply at her home.
Read more:
And get this…he’s her Finance! Was this a crime or mis-communication? Maybe he confused her backing it up on him damn near knocking him out the bed and opening her legs slightly as oPossum Playing…ladies you know how we do…but I digress! Humph if this reaches the blackberries, emails, and desktop of our men we may never be able to use this tactic again BUMMER ..(giggles)!!!
Do men ever engage in a little oPossum Playing? I’ve always thought when they were sleep they were out which provoked fondling to wake their azz up..(*nudges him* MY TURN!) and then a little oPossum Playing on my end. I can imagine men are going to think twice before playing along…..but ladies we can protect our little game by signing this Possum Playing Petition and handing it to our man LOL!
Possum Playing Petition
I (insert name here) gives (insert name here) permission to fondle or sex me while I am asleep between the hours of (_) and (_) . In fact I may not be sleep but may be fully aware and engaged in oPossum Playing!
Sincerely, Go
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Tell Your Friends
I run my mouth on this blog about things but I rarely get the time to shout out other people who are informing folks about Sex and Sexual issues. I thought I would do my part and shine some light on some of these folks. Peruse and form your own opinion.
The Perverted Negress
This young lady is showing folk that BDSM/SM is not just relegated to those of our Caucasian Brothers and Sisters. Stop by her site if you want to know how this woman and others are thinking outside the box.
The African Orchid Gallery
This 21 year old college student from Ghana has decided to explore the world of sexuality through words and pictures. Interesting cornucopia of images and thoughts you didn’t think was possible.
After Dark Actions
Offers frank and honest discussions regarding women and sex. Please feel free to stop by and offer your own voice to the ongoing discussion.
AfroerotiK
Remember when I wrote that post about not being able to find sexy/sensual pictures featuring Black Folk. One of my readers put me on this website created by Scottie Lowe who described the reason why she created the site:
Scottie Lowe was tired of being approached by men who saw her as a freak, a novelty, or an object, and desperate to find erotic material that represented her full sensual expression, AfroerotiK began as a vehicle to demystify, arouse, to educate and enlighten.
Sex and The Sisters
According to the website, “Black women have a dynamic, complex, and often confusing relationship with our sexualities and the expression of them.” Stop by and delve into the the deep and the enriching conversation.
A Black Girl’s Guide To Sex & Seduction: Sex From A Black Woman’s Perspective
I came across this website thanks to Sincerely, Go. The site discusses many things regarding Sex and Relationships from a female perspective. Interesting read throughout.
Black, Kinky and Proud
Like a story or poem about Sex and Sexuality, a stop to this website should help with your fix. The young woman who runs the site says that its her way to explore her own sexuality and celebrate her sexual freedom.
Blog of Pro-Porn Activism
This site promotes Porn but not in the way you expect. It does a lot of discussion regarding the politics of Porn and even gives a platform to those who disagree with Porn’s affect on the community.
Man and Wife
I know I’m reaching by putting the MTV Show on this list. But before MTV came calling and neutered the show, Scoop and Shonda had a successful web Vlog the show was based on. I liked it because I found it refreshing a black man and black woman could have an honest conversations regarding sex that is not used to one up each other. Regardless of what you feel about Scoop and Shonda’s antics (more towards Scoop), the site is very informative and entertaining.
[BlogXilla]Dot Com
This site is like a mashup of your favorite hip-hop, pop culture and relationship blogs. Raw and uncut, It focuses its spotlight on Music, Sex and Relationships with a little bit of humor along the way.
These are just a few I’ve come to find along the way. So tell me readers, Which Sex Websites You’ve Come To Enjoy?
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So I was having a conversation with my best friend from Chicago about the subject of sex. We were talking about who was the worst person she ever had sex with.
She answered very quickly, “Without a doubt it was _____!”
I was stunned by her ability to recall “the worst” so quickly, but I’m sure that many of my readers would be able to recall their bad sexual encounters just as quickly. However when I hear such stories I always wonder the same thing. “Did you tell him/her they were bad?”
My friend answered that question (as did many of my other friends) the same way: “I don’t have the patience to teach no man/woman.”
I’m not pointing a finger at one gender or another because we all have been in this position one way or another. However my problem is that no one takes the time to tell a sexual partner when they aren’t bringing it in the bed room. I’m talking about constructive criticism used to improve one’s performance.
I remember getting told about how I performed from two women in my past. Tell me which one was better for my sexual development:
Critique #1: “You’re not eating pussy right. Here let me show you how to really please a woman.”
Critique #2: “When I fuck you I don’t feel fucked!”
You don’t have to be a rock scientist to figure that one out.
The woman from the first Critique was patient, informative and guided me to being the cunnilingus monster I am today. As for the second critique … it had me question my whole reason for having sex in the first place.
Look folk, you need to be open and honest in your sexual relationships because its not about just getting the nut when you talk about getting sex. Its about getting the pleasure that both of you can bring to each other.
I know that many of us have tried to get better. For guys we get our Sex Ed from other dudes and by watching Porn. For the ladies they get their information from magazines such as Cosmopolitan and Talk Shows from Oprah and Tyra.
You think the information you get from these sources is going to help your relationship out. I know I might be in the minority but I really don’t think so. A lot of these Sex Help/Relationship Books/Articles believe that there is a one size fits all solution to the problem. Sadly, many problems are more complex than that.
For my Male Readers out there can I share something with you. Watching Porn videos will not give you proper instruction on how to please your lady. I mentioned this in a previous post but I’m saying it again here: the positions in porn are just used to to maximize the visual for the views not for the actors in the scene.
As this excerpt from an article online:
Porn films are to sex education what Hollywood films are to ethics or morality tales. Porn is fake. It may be very sexy fake, but it’s fake nonetheless. The sexual positions used in porn films are chosen not for their likelihood to turn on the actors, or even for the ways that the positions might allow for hot creative sex.
Sex positions in porn are chosen for the way they allow the camera to get wide open access to the genitals (which are still considered the main draw in porn).
I mean really would you think that doing this move would turn your girl out. Seriously, I would break a hip if I tried that.
The best way to become a better lover in my opinion is to Ask Actual Women. Every woman is different but the knowledge you gain from them you can crib together a style of your own. If you have a mate I would ask, “What am I doing to please you? Can I do something better? Am I doing something bad?”
How are you supposed to improve if you don’t know what you need to improve on?
That question will remain unanswered for the time being but its something to be mindful men.
Now ladies don’t think I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m not here to bash you guys for getting your information on how to please guys. Misogyny, Sexual Politics and (sadly) Pornography has made it difficult for Women to compete. That being said you shouldn’t have to take information from magazines that give advice such as this:
Um the tact that they are using Atari video game analogy prove how behind the times that they are. C’mon people we are in the PS3/XBox 360 age now!!
Not that I don’t find this cute and I did pull it from Cracked.com but it does shed light how simplistic I think the Sex advice that these type of magazines give out to women as fact. So basically that person goes from one person to the next breaking off lovers with bad sex. Shouldn’t we want to break the cycle. If not to improve your sexual experience but to help the next person involved with the bad sex person.
So my question to you is as it was at the top: Would you teach someone who would less experienced that you sexually? How Would you handle It?
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I love my readers, I really do. Sometimes when my Google Fu fails there is always someone who puts me on to something else.
I was recently trying to figure out something to write today when Alice as usually came across an article that caught my eye.
It amazes me how these type of websites focus so much on the racism to push their agenda when there actually P.O.C.’s who wants to explore their sexuality.
The question is why don’t we hear more from P.O.C. who are interested in Sex and Sexuality?
I used to love HBO’s Real Sex it opened my eyes to a number of sexual avenues that I was frequently uniformed about. The problem is that while it explored a lot of areas, frequently People of Color were left out. When we were featured it focused on three areas:
- The Punany Poets
- Male and Female Strip Clubs
- The Miss Black Nude America Pageant
Sex covers a vast amount of types, areas and subcultures but if you look for it on TV and the Internet you think that only Caucasian folk who know how to get their “Kink” on.
It saddens me somewhat but I think I know the answer. The problem I believe lies in both Sexism, Racism as well as Religion within many of the communities.
Racism
Think about it how many times when discussing any type of Kink be it BDSM, Fetishism, Poly-Amorism or anything else outside the sexual “norm” its immediately painted as something “that white people do.” I will admit before my own awakening of sorts I raised an eyebrow when the topic of kink came up. Right now their are people struggling with their own sexual identities because they feel that its not normal.
Sexism
Anytime a woman specifically a woman of color is control of her own orgasm or her own sexual identity she is immediately branded as a slut, whore or any type of derogatory names. A friend of mine calls this Slut Shaming.
Religion
Religion plays a major part into shaming people because of their sexual identity. In relgious circles, sex is only supposed to be between a man an a woman, under the sanctity of marriage and should only used to procreate. By following this tenant you leave out a lot of people who enjoy sex .
More Later!
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