Posts Tagged ‘Sex Discussion’

ESPN’s E:60 Ran a piece about members of Woman’s Soccer Team in South Africa That Was rapped by men in order to “correct” them of their Lesbian Tendencies and “teach” them how to be a woman.

*Blank Stare*

For those who don’t know what this is all about, let me give you the definition of “Corrective Rape”:

“Corrective rape” is a criminal practice, whereby men rape lesbian women, purportedly as a means of “curing” the woman of her sexual orientation.

The term “corrective rape” was first used in the early 2000s by human rights non-governmental organizations to describe rapes committed against South African lesbians. A notable attack of this kind came in 2008 when Eudy Simelane, a member of the South Africa women’s national football team and a vocal LGBT-rights activist in South Africa, was gang raped and murdered in KwaThema, Gauteng.

A November 2008 report by the NGO ActionAid and the South African Human Rights Commission called for the creation of legislation to specifically target hate crimes, including corrective rape.

Now that I’ve brought you up to speed here’s the video that sparked my interest in this subject and the reason I’m posting today.

Hearing things like this saddens me because its always placed hand in hand with with being a man. It always go with the ugliness of misogyny and Male Privilege. Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you get to make the rules. I am tired of men seemingly trying to correct other people for their own shortcomings.

Women are not something that needs to be corrected so that you can feel comfortable about your own sexuality.

As a close friend of mine said in reaction to this story was:

Let’s not act like this is limited to South Africa. There have been a number of reports of lesbians being raped and/or killed simply because they are lesbians. I have personally witnessed men react quite demonstrably to women admitting and embracing their lesbianism. Hell, some even take offense and “disapprove” of bisexual women. Another form, considered to be benign but really isn’t, is men saying, “Oh, you just need the right dick. You get some good dick, you won’t be a lesbian anymore.” Oh, lemme guess…you’re JUST the man to give me this so-called “good” dick. So, yes, the rates may be higher in South Africa but please, please, PLEASE let’s not act like this is just one of those “crazy African” things. Corrective rape happens here too. We just don’t call it that.

I’m going to need for men, All Men, to do better. Much Much Better!

Tell me what you thing Fam! Do these jokers need to be strung up? And why do people still continue to think that the only thing to “cure” a Lesbian is some Good Dick?

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So one day I was on Twitter with fellow Blogger BlasianBytch (follow her On Twitter) and we were having a discussion about sex and the things people do to screw it up.

She had mentioned that she had knew a man that actually took to what he saw in porn as real and spat on her vagina.

*I’ll let that marinate for a moment*

Needless to say my fellow blogger didn’t get off. I feel for her as its happened to one of us on more than one occasion. All folk want to do is get a nut off or two and someone has to fuck it up by doing something completely stupid at that moment.

It got me to thinking: Has their been anything that someone has done that has been a “Vag Dryer” or “Dick Shrinker”? What will put you out of the mood quicker than quick?

My Mood Killers:

1) Slurping While Giving Head: I don’t mind a moan or two but downright slurping like your eating soup on a cold day will break my concentration.
2) Bad Dirty Talk: Any time you feel the need to start imitating Jazmine Cashmere but you don’t have the chops to do it, do us all a favor and just stop. I like a good dirty talker, but some of ya’ll need to leave the to the professionals like Jaz or Monet Devine.
3) Using My Dick As A Teething Ring: The right type of lips and tongue – Great. Using Molars and In-Scissors to gnaw on my junk like a dog does a chew toy – Not The Business

The Floor is Open Fam: What Are Your Sexual Pet Peeves? Post Your Comments Below.

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I have a post topic for you Sir. Lately bedroom time with my man has been kinda boring. It could be that we have been on and off for MANY years and everything is just blah. I’m more of a “romantic” type person and he is more of a “lets get naked why do we need all that extra stuff” kinda person. How do I get the idea that sex has become boring with him across without scarring his Ego. I don’t want to make him feel bad. I just want to equally be happy in the bed. Suggestions?

Well this was an interesting question brought up by one of my blogger sisters and it is a very good one. I run into this a lot while hanging out with friends. What do you do when your needs are not being met? Why are folks needs are not being met in the first place?

In a word “Communication.”

A lot of people lack communication when it comes to topics that cut too close to home. I don’t know how many times I can hear from the local Teabagger wants to remove your sexual freedoms but ask that same person what they do in the bedroom and its *crickets*

But enough about my feelings on the world at large, I need to answer the question.

My friend, I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. There is no reason in a sexual relationship that one person gets all of the perks and you seem to be left out. Sex is a two person event no matter what porn and relationships magazines say.

First: Sit him down for a face to face meeting. I don’t care if it’s at the mall food court or over dinner at the most expensive restaurant you need to look directly into his eyes and gauge his reaction to what you want to tell him. Many times people have these conversations in bed or in front of the TV and the topic is missed or misconstrued.

Second: Tell him that’s its not about him or the lack of his services … but how you want to enjoy more of him in different venues. You don’t each the same meal all the time, why should have the same sex all the time. Variety is the spice of life. Men should be pretty simple you give them directions on how ya’ll can have better sex and I assure you they will jump through hoops to make it happen.

Third: If the first two don’t work, you’ll need to take matters into your own hands. Make the night a theme night which you take control of the situation. Give him an invitation of a night of pleasure or work around sexual favors around a simple task – Strip Playstation, anyone? (My ex and I used to play strip Monopoly and it would always lead to some mind blowing sex)

Any man worth his salt would appreciate the fact that you are even thinking about improving and upgrading your sex. Any man that doesn’t should be kicked to the curb because you shouldn’t have to work this hard for something you both should be enjoying.

I really hopes that helps … anything else just let me know.

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I know the title may be a little ambiguous but just hear me out. I started this blog because I wanted to have open and honest discussions about Sex, Porn and Sexuality. This means that my traffic is a little lower than some of the big boys and there are times I wonder if I should keep doing what I’m doing.

You see I don’t like it when people are silent about something that should benefit them or save their lives in some way.

Case Number One: While lurking on Twitter I “heard” this question being asked: “Why is that people tell their fantasies to everyone except their significant others?”

I can’t really answer that question without calling into my own experiences. I’ve been very fortunate to have open and honest conversations with many of my friends and what I stress to them is that they don’t need to be like I was earlier in my relationships. You should be able to share what turns you on or what you dislike with the person you have sex with.

However I have heard stories that SOs in relationships are constantly jealous of those fantasies. Why? Why is it that your lady doesn’t love you if she has fantasies about some stud Musician? Why ladies does it means that your man doesn’t love you because he wants to try something Spicy in the bedroom?

I always think that having a fantasy life is like eating at a smorgasbord. You’re not going to like everything so you’re going to pick and choose what you want to make your perfect meal.

I think the reason for so many people dipping out on their mates is a lack of communication about what they want or like. I have a friend who likes freaky women like Belladonna but he keeps dating women who 1) hate porn or 2) don’t have a freak bone in their bodies. So what happens after having boring, non-Belladonna type sex for so many months? He ends up cheating on her via internet porn or In Real Life (IRL).

This kinda leads into my second point: I don’t think people talk enough about sex, period. I mean sex is not just about fucking but I think that there a lot of times that people don’t even talking about the mechanics and the politics of sex unless some Famous Person is involved in something bad.

Tiger Woods got into a car accident because of a supposed domestic dispute regarding supposed extramarital affairs. Now everyone from Dr. Drew to Supahead is coming out trying to “diagnose” his “problem” and women are coming out of the woodwork like the last scene in Spartacus.

You don’t know what kind of sex problems were going on in that house. Maybe Elin was made because Tiger did not respect a “code” that he and her set up (“Do what you want just don’t disrespect the family.”). Or maybe he wanted something more and was too chicken shit to tell his wife.

Whatever Tiger’s issue was I think he could have avoided all of this by being honest with his wife and letting Mrs. Woods make the decision wither or not she wanted to stay.

There needs to be more comprehensive discussion about sex and what falls under its umbrella. I get a little tired of people trying to dictate what sex should or should not be. That’s like trying to dictate what is and what isn’t Black. It’s impossible to put down but there are plenty of people who love to say what is clean sex and dirty sex.

C’mon folk its sex … all of it. Just because its not something you get down with doesn’t mean that you should jettison the acts because you feel its dirty. I say as long as it doesn’t involved children or animals its all fair game.

Of course that’s my opinion and you may disagree but I think there needs to be more of an open dialogue good or bad.

Speaking of dialogue … when was the last time someone had comprehensive sex education at each level of development. You don’t have it at the K-12 level, you don’t have it at the college level and you sure as well don’t have it when you get out off the real world. Talking about having sex and giving you the tools to make proper decisions about sex is lacking and left to people own devices they are forced to turn to porn, books and other people who have bad info.

Think I’m exaggerating. Ask your Priest, Doctor or other health professional why they don’t mention good sex as a component for keeping a marriage together. Ask you friends where they learned how to the learned about sex. Ask publishers why there hasn’t been a major sex education book since Joy of Sex and the Karma Sutra.

Okay I’ve shouted from my soapbox enough. So readers why do you think that folk are quiet on Sex? Is it for the reasons I mentioned, is there something else I might have missed or should I just Sit Down And Shut Up?

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I love my readers. I really do. I’ve said this before because of the way they do engage me and point me into new directions or new experiences.

Today’s topic came from one of my favorite reader’s Alice. She sent me a very interesting video from Cindy Galloup who spoke at TED

She made news with her 4 minute speech which told the audience that thanks to porn and the lack of sex education to balance it out, you have a number of men having a warped view of how to even have sex.

It’s something that I’ve spoken with my female friends but I think that one part of this goes the heart of the matter. To paraphrase Cindy Gallop, most porn is created by men, for men and touches on men’s fantasies. To that point she referenced her website, Make Love Not Porn, which hopes to balance out the Myths of Porn with their realities.

I liked what she had to say because it didn’t attempt to shame the people who watch porn (Ms. Gallop mentioned that she is a porn watcher herself) but wanted them to take a different look at porn.

My view has always been that porn is fake on so many levels. Porn is like action movies, with plenty to stunts and stuntpeople but not something you could do in real life.

I just wish more people would see it that way.

More later.

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So Dr Drew Pinsky had a show to come out during my self-imposed exile during the writing month. This time instead of healing chemical dependency, it tackled the monkey of sexual addiction.

Here are the list of the participants of this years Sex Rehab show, thanks to the site known as The Frisky. Match Them Up With The Pictures Above:

1. Phil Varone: Drummer from Skid Row. Tattooed. The show’s Tommy Lee.
2. Kari Ann Peniche: Fallen beauty queen who did Playboy. Claim to fame: broken engagement to Aaron Carter. Forthcoming memoir: Stripped, Strung Out, and Beautifully Abused. Clothing line: Strung Out Girl. Sexual abuse victim.
3. Duncan Roy: Some British filmmaker.
4. Amber Smith: “Celebrity Rehab” and “Sober House” veteran. Actress, pill-popper. Admitted exchanging sex for drugs on last “Rehab” stint.
5. Kendra Jade Rossi: Ex-porn star. Supposedly broke up K-Fed and Princess Cheetos. Alcoholic, agoraphobe, drug abuser.
6. James Lovett: Extreme sports dude. Between surfing and wake-boarding, he likes to get off a lot.
7. Penny Flame, aka Jennifer Ketchum: Porn star, natch. As Jimmy Kimmel asked, “Can a porn star be a sex addict? Aren’t they really just workaholics?”
8. Nicole Narian: Playboy playmate, model, video [model]. Her addiction lead to a co-starring role in the Colin Farrell sex tape. “That
pretty much ruined my life.” – Source

I can’t begin to tell you the grip that sex addiction holds on folk. I have at times raised an eyebrow every time I hear about someone famous who claims they have sex addiction when they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar. (See Steve Phillips and David Duchovny)

Something I found interesting was how these folk struggled to kick the monkey in the first week. I swore they were one step from tearing each other to pieces. I mean I’ve been horny before but have I been to the point where I couldn’t even function without it?

Nicole Narain mentioned that she spent a full day in bed just masterbating. She’s mentioned that she’s lost jobs because she couldn’t tear her away from what she was doing.

Truth be told, I have addicts in my family and I have an addictive personality and I struggle with not getting hooked on one thing. I have the power to at least know what I can face and what not to get involved in. I feel for the addicts would chose their “drug” of choice rather than the life they want to lead.

Peep out Episode 4 of the show below where the addicts try to work out their issues via Therapy in Day 8.

What did I think of the show? As I said before, I feel for those struggling trying to release themselves of this burden but I’m not a fan of those acting like an ass just because the camera’s are on. This Kari Anne vs Kendra “beef” is probably manufactured and does nothing but dilute the good will the show is trying to do but putting this type of addiction in the spotlight.

Well that is all for me today … more later.

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With this the first Thanksgiving in the Blacksexxxology era, I thought I give my own wishes to those celebrating this holiday with family and/or friends (or a alone).

Since this is a Sex blog I thought I would give you a hint to burn off those calories.

Sex is a wonderful substitute if you can’t get to the gym or the treadmill in the basement.

From eHow.com:

You can burn up to 300 calories per hour by having sex–an exercise that activates all of the body’s muscle groups. While sex is not recommended as a replacement for regular exercise, health experts report that an active sex life is good for your emotional and physical health. – Source

And yes the article says its not a complete replacement for regular exercise but any excuse to get in a “workout” is a good one.

Think of the food that you are eating for the big Dinner. More than not one of those meals is going to be an aphrodisiac in some form. For example my favorite part of the meal is the sweet potato pie. According to this site, I would be better eating it with someone rather than alone.

Sweet Potato: The sweet potato, while not exactly scientifically proven, has been said to increase the female sex drive if consumed in large amounts. What science does know about the sweet potato is that it is high in potassium, which helps reduce stress, as well as Vitamins A, C and iron—all important sex drive-enhancing nutrients. – Source

Well leave your comments about what you are thankful for.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

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So the Falcons played as well as they could but ending up losing to the Saints in the end. I’m a man of my word folks so today’s post comes to us thanks to Sincerely, Go. Take it way Ms Go!

“If only you’d wake up from your opossum playing…..” Although this song is totally unrelated to this post the hook is perfect…. ” Wake up Baby”……

I came across an article via twitter that may have messed up “oPossum Playing” for the rest of us.

Woman Says She Was Raped As She Slept
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
The Associated Press

VANDERBILT, Pa. — A man has been jailed on charges he raped a woman who says she was sleeping deeply at her home.
Read more:

And get this…he’s her Finance! Was this a crime or mis-communication? Maybe he confused her backing it up on him damn near knocking him out the bed and opening her legs slightly as oPossum Playing…ladies you know how we do…but I digress! Humph if this reaches the blackberries, emails, and desktop of our men we may never be able to use this tactic again BUMMER ..(giggles)!!!

Do men ever engage in a little oPossum Playing? I’ve always thought when they were sleep they were out which provoked fondling to wake their azz up..(*nudges him* MY TURN!) and then a little oPossum Playing on my end. I can imagine men are going to think twice before playing along…..but ladies we can protect our little game by signing this Possum Playing Petition and handing it to our man LOL!

Possum Playing Petition

I (insert name here) gives (insert name here) permission to fondle or sex me while I am asleep between the hours of (_) and (_) . In fact I may not be sleep but may be fully aware and engaged in oPossum Playing!

Sincerely, Go

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Tell Your Friends

I run my mouth on this blog about things but I rarely get the time to shout out other people who are informing folks about Sex and Sexual issues. I thought I would do my part and shine some light on some of these folks. Peruse and form your own opinion.

The Perverted Negress
This young lady is showing folk that BDSM/SM is not just relegated to those of our Caucasian Brothers and Sisters. Stop by her site if you want to know how this woman and others are thinking outside the box.

The African Orchid Gallery
This 21 year old college student from Ghana has decided to explore the world of sexuality through words and pictures. Interesting cornucopia of images and thoughts you didn’t think was possible.

After Dark Actions
Offers frank and honest discussions regarding women and sex. Please feel free to stop by and offer your own voice to the ongoing discussion.

AfroerotiK
Remember when I wrote that post about not being able to find sexy/sensual pictures featuring Black Folk. One of my readers put me on this website created by Scottie Lowe who described the reason why she created the site:

Scottie Lowe was tired of being approached by men who saw her as a freak, a novelty, or an object, and desperate to find erotic material that represented her full sensual expression, AfroerotiK began as a vehicle to demystify, arouse, to educate and enlighten.

Sex and The Sisters
According to the website, “Black women have a dynamic, complex, and often confusing relationship with our sexualities and the expression of them.” Stop by and delve into the the deep and the enriching conversation.

Black, Kinky and Proud
Like a story or poem about Sex and Sexuality, a stop to this website should help with your fix. The young woman who runs the site says that its her way to explore her own sexuality and celebrate her sexual freedom.

Blog of Pro-Porn Activism
This site promotes Porn but not in the way you expect. It does a lot of discussion regarding the politics of Porn and even gives a platform to those who disagree with Porn’s affect on the community.

Man and Wife
I know I’m reaching by putting the MTV Show on this list. But before MTV came calling and neutered the show, Scoop and Shonda had a successful web Vlog the show was based on. I liked it because I found it refreshing a black man and black woman could have an honest conversations regarding sex that is not used to one up each other. Regardless of what you feel about Scoop and Shonda’s antics (more towards Scoop), the site is very informative and entertaining.

[BlogXilla]Dot Com
This site is like a mashup of your favorite hip-hop, pop culture and relationship blogs. Raw and uncut, It focuses its spotlight on Music, Sex and Relationships with a little bit of humor along the way.

These are just a few I’ve come to find along the way. So tell me readers, Which Sex Websites You’ve Come To Enjoy?

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So I was having a conversation with my best friend from Chicago about the subject of sex. We were talking about who was the worst person she ever had sex with.

She answered very quickly, “Without a doubt it was _____!”

I was stunned by her ability to recall “the worst” so quickly, but I’m sure that many of my readers would be able to recall their bad sexual encounters just as quickly. However when I hear such stories I always wonder the same thing. “Did you tell him/her they were bad?”

My friend answered that question (as did many of my other friends) the same way: “I don’t have the patience to teach no man/woman.”

I’m not pointing a finger at one gender or another because we all have been in this position one way or another. However my problem is that no one takes the time to tell a sexual partner when they aren’t bringing it in the bed room. I’m talking about constructive criticism used to improve one’s performance.

I remember getting told about how I performed from two women in my past. Tell me which one was better for my sexual development:

Critique #1: “You’re not eating pussy right. Here let me show you how to really please a woman.”

Critique #2: “When I fuck you I don’t feel fucked!”

You don’t have to be a rock scientist to figure that one out.

The woman from the first Critique was patient, informative and guided me to being the cunnilingus monster I am today. As for the second critique … it had me question my whole reason for having sex in the first place.

Look folk, you need to be open and honest in your sexual relationships because its not about just getting the nut when you talk about getting sex. Its about getting the pleasure that both of you can bring to each other.

I know that many of us have tried to get better. For guys we get our Sex Ed from other dudes and by watching Porn. For the ladies they get their information from magazines such as Cosmopolitan and Talk Shows from Oprah and Tyra.

You think the information you get from these sources is going to help your relationship out. I know I might be in the minority but I really don’t think so. A lot of these Sex Help/Relationship Books/Articles believe that there is a one size fits all solution to the problem. Sadly, many problems are more complex than that.

For my Male Readers out there can I share something with you. Watching Porn videos will not give you proper instruction on how to please your lady. I mentioned this in a previous post but I’m saying it again here: the positions in porn are just used to to maximize the visual for the views not for the actors in the scene.

As this excerpt from an article online:

Porn films are to sex education what Hollywood films are to ethics or morality tales. Porn is fake. It may be very sexy fake, but it’s fake nonetheless. The sexual positions used in porn films are chosen not for their likelihood to turn on the actors, or even for the ways that the positions might allow for hot creative sex.

Sex positions in porn are chosen for the way they allow the camera to get wide open access to the genitals (which are still considered the main draw in porn).

I mean really would you think that doing this move would turn your girl out. Seriously, I would break a hip if I tried that.

The best way to become a better lover in my opinion is to Ask Actual Women. Every woman is different but the knowledge you gain from them you can crib together a style of your own. If you have a mate I would ask, “What am I doing to please you? Can I do something better? Am I doing something bad?”

How are you supposed to improve if you don’t know what you need to improve on?

That question will remain unanswered for the time being but its something to be mindful men.

Now ladies don’t think I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m not here to bash you guys for getting your information on how to please guys. Misogyny, Sexual Politics and (sadly) Pornography has made it difficult for Women to compete. That being said you shouldn’t have to take information from magazines that give advice such as this:

Um the tact that they are using Atari video game analogy prove how behind the times that they are. C’mon people we are in the PS3/XBox 360 age now!!

Not that I don’t find this cute and I did pull it from Cracked.com but it does shed light how simplistic I think the Sex advice that these type of magazines give out to women as fact. So basically that person goes from one person to the next breaking off lovers with bad sex. Shouldn’t we want to break the cycle. If not to improve your sexual experience but to help the next person involved with the bad sex person.

So my question to you is as it was at the top: Would you teach someone who would less experienced that you sexually? How Would you handle It?

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