Archive for December, 2009

So the other day I wrote an Open Letter to the Black Woman in the hopes of opening a dialogue to get back to the way we used to be in relationships. Of course my friend The Director, from the NYC, issued her own response. I decided to post it here:

Hello Blackman,

It’s been a while since I saw you last. Don’t know where you been. Just wondering. Just hoping. Just praying, you alright. Cause it seems lately, that you ain’t.

I remember, yes, I know I do – when my heart used to quicken in a pace just being around you. We used to slow dance without any music. Just staring into each other eyes. I got lost in yours. And you got lost in mine. We had some wonderful, lovely times, didn’t we? I used to wait for your call, wanting to know when we could see each other again. And man, when we did see each other, all I could do smile. My soul used to smile. My face hurt from smiling so much. You made me smile. I heard love songs in your laughter. The dreams in the breathe you spoke. I had so much love and hope for you. For us.

What happened?

As I sit here and wonder why you don’t talk to me no more, why you don’t trust me no more and got this message in my head from your actions saying we ain’t the right fit. Who told you that? I got this conflicting message from my church that you’re supposed to me lead me in our personal relationships. What relationships? You’re not talking to me. Instead, you’re calling me names. You look so proud to have another woman who doesn’t look like me on your arm. You’re using me for sex to cure some loneliness you got. But beautiful, sensitive, Blackman, I want you. I need you. If you want me to say it, then yeah, there it is. I love you.

I’ve tried to dis’ you and say you ain’t nothing. But nothing could be further from the truth. I needed you during the times I was beaten and raped during the slave trade. I needed you to stand by my side when I stood for what was right in Jim Crow South. I needed to by my side to pray for our sons to return home from a government’s self-imposed war. And my goodness, I needed you all the more as we started this Civil Rights Movement in Selma and as far as Johannesburg.

Seriously, I’m just tired and frustrated. My frustration has led me to take on both roles, Blackman. I’m being mommy and daddy. My title has changed from lovely wife to baby’s momma. That’s not how it’s supposed to be, Blackman. I’m raising your sons and daughters without you. I miscommunicating the message to my daughters that we don’t need you in our lives. “Don’t let these men walk all over you. Stand your ground,” I say. Leave you and the trifling Blackman aside. Yet, if there were no me, Blackwoman, there would be no you, Blackman. I need you to get it together. Pull yourselves up from the bootstraps and be the men God created ya’ll to be.

I’ve noticed so many elements in life have stripped you of your being. Your natural role is to lead, whether you want to accept that fact or not. I never wanted to be a contributing factor in disrespecting or hating you, Blackman. The fact of it is that I need you. I want you. And I just don’t want another good lay. No, I don’t want you just to sex me. I want you to love me. Do you understand the difference? Maybe not or maybe so. Too many of your clues on how to love a Blackwoman has come from the twisted, money-obsessed media. That’s not how you love me. Learn how to be with me. Learn to communicate with me. Tell you that you still care, like that old S.O.S. Band song used to say.

Our future as a race depends on our love, protection and respect for one another. For any pain I may have caused you, Blackman, I’m sorry. I lashed out to hurt the one who reflected the beautiful male version of my inner self. And I know you would apologize too, Blackman to me. I just know, deep down in your soul, you love me. You need me more than you realize.

And I’ll be here. Praying to God you will take your place beside me. And help raise the next generation of greatness.

I need you, Blackman. More than you’re ever know……

Popularity: 9% [?]

Hello Blackwoman,

It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to you woman to man.

No B.S. No Bluster. No Strum und Drang. Just two people sharing thoughts and ideas.

You remember the days don’t you? Those happy times back in the day we had a love for you. It was a good love. It was a love that said that we had to have each other’s backs because the world was against us.

Either marching with Martin or using Necessary Means with Malcolm, we didn’t care. We told the world frequently and often that “You were All I Needed To Get By”, that “Ain’t No Mountain was High Enough” or love was “Solid” We loved each other, wanted each other, cared for each other.

Through thick and thin, through lynchings and cross burnings, through fire hoses and dogs … we had each other.

Unfortunately, things changed. I’m not sure when but suddenly it wasn’t fashionable for Blackmen to love you as much as they did before. No more did we praise you in music and word and quite frequently we failed to acknowledge your presence as the backbone of the Black Experience.

So because Blackmen hurt you by our words and actions, we became less of a desirable option for you to be with, to support and to honor.

No one should put blame on the other. We were both at fault … and the chasm grew wider. So times passed and our kids didn’t have the same love for each other.

Supahead was more than just a word to some people, she was an industry to herself. R. Kelly was using Blackgirls as his own urinal, all the while singing about the “Bump and Grind.”

So the anger boiled over and now simple hellos from Blackwomen and Blackmen are now met with skepticism from the other party.

Now when we were talking about each other like it was cold and disrespectful. We described each other in way different term:

“Nigga’s Ain’t Shit.”
“Bitches Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks.”

We don’t talk to each other Blackwoman. I’ve had a hand in that personally in some instances and for that I need to apologize.

However we both know that we can’t continue doing this to each other. Because for all the screaming we are doing at each other:

“The Attitude … That’s why I don’t date sistas!”
“White Men know how to treat a Black Woman!”

It doesn’t solve the problem, it doesn’t give the answer and all we get is white noise.

I still love you Blackwoman and deep down I know that you love me too. I know that this is only a temporary blip on the radar. Soon the Blackman is going to get his shit to together in a way that it was before Malcolm, Martin and Medella.

We have too … we got too. Because we have kids out there who think its okay to say “I Need A Soulja,” “Project Bitch” “Hood Boy” or “Bad Bitch.”

These are not labels that should be for the future mothers and fathers of our children.

Because if we don’t there won’t be any of US any more.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Hello Sweetie,

I’m sorry it took me so long to write to you. I’ve been busy searching for your mom and trying to school your brother on the ways of life. I wanted to make sure that he was straight before I got to you. It wasn’t because I loved you any less but rather because I loved you just as more.

I know you are scratching your head wondering about this but give me a chance to explain.

You see there are many Men out there who ain’t like your brother and your daddy. They have made their bones about treating Women with less than the respect they are deserve to be treated. They make babies with Women they do not want to make families with, they use Women as sexual objects and even “lay hands” on those they have supposedly love.

You’ve heard the stories. These types of guys get better ink in the press and video play on the news. They have better press agents than good men and seemingly their man objective is to selfishly prove that women ain’t shit.

Yes I cursed but that’s because I’m using the language to make a point. In the future people will use much stronger words towards you: They’ll call you bitch, whore or if they are really feeling froggy they’ll call you a cunt.

Harsh words, yes. But I want you to know one thing: You are not those words. I’ll say it again so it sticks: YOU ARE NOT THOSE WORDS.

You are a strong, intelligent and beautiful Black Woman and no one can tell you how you should feel about yourself.

You create your own destiny with your actions and hopefully if I have done my job correctly you will be a strong example to both Men and Women on how to carry yourself.

Being that example it will require you to wear a heavy crown. Some Men will look to you as being stuck up and some Women will look at you as thinking that you are better than they are.

Sweetie, having choices in this world doesn’t mean that you are looking down on others or treating people like dirt. It means that you are being selective and in selecting the best possible person you will enhance your life not devalue your it.

You deserve to be with a good Man. There are those type of Men out there no matter what the media, bloggers or angry Black Women tell you different. There are Men who want to love you and treat you like Malcolm treated Betty or like Medgar loved Myrtle. They want to adore you like Martin adored Correta.

There are Men out there who want to make you the central point of their lives. If I have done my job you’ll be able to recognize the difference between those who do and those who don’t.

Now hopefully this will bring you to attention of different types of men. I can’t stop what you like and hopefully some Good Man would make themselves available to you. However, if you meet a man who treats you just as good or better than I or your brother had and the only thing different is that he’s white, yellow, or pokadot you take that chance and grab that brass ring.

Because you are the most important person in any relationship you might have. No man: friend, boyfriend, husband hell even your brother or me should treat you less than the Queen that you are. If they don’t you … don’t have to stay in that relationship.

Some Men will try to say anything to get you to go against your values. Hell when I was younger I did that myself. They will tell you they love you, that they can’t live without you or that you are the only one for them. What you need to do is use your head, think about the ramifications of any actions.

You are your own person and I’ll always love you. This is why I have written this letter to you. There are many dangers out there but I wanted you to be aware of them.

Hopefully, if I’ve done my job right both your brother and I will have nothing to worry about.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Hello son,

It’s been a long time since we’ve had a sit down. I know that you’ve been busy with just starting school, doing your chores and just being an overall great kid but I think we need to rap a little.

First I want you to know that I love you. Yes, I know that your friends don’t think that its cool that your old man has been gushing on you at every opportunity, but just because you’re a man doesn’t men you can’t show affection. So I’m going to show you that at every opportunity because every son should know how his father feels about them … because growing up I really didn’t get that opportunity.

Now that we got that out the way let me tell you why I called your hear today. You see I know what you are feeling and I know what you are thinking. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no psychic but the reason why I know what’s going on in your head is because I’ve been your age.

You’re thinking about sex.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been your age as I’ve said before. And having lived that age I have experience.

I have the experience of being that awkward kid sitting the back of the class fighting the urges while looking at that hottie in the tight white sweater. I have the experience of waking up in the middle of the night in horror after my first nocturnal emission. I have the experience of having soldier rise to attention just when the teacher calls to ask you to the board up front.

So believe me when I tell you that I know what you are going through. I know enough to ask you to do something that I know must be hard for you.

Wait.

I know that word will go in one ear and out the other, but hear me out. I’m not asking you this as a parent who doesn’t want you to experience this thing. No, my asking you to wait is because I want you to be able to experience everything that come with the decision.

You see your dad was only 19 when he lost his and after all these years he still is confused and confounded by the world of sex.

There’s all the different positions.
There’s all those different type of terms.
There’s all those different types of sex.
There’s all those different diseases.

But most of all there is all the emotions that come with it. Emotions that would take someone with a PhD in psychology to master.

You think that crush on Susie Rickenbacker is difficult to get a hold on now, add sex to the mix and watch you go crazy. I’ve seen folk do some insane things for pussy and you have to know its like crack.

Yes your dad fell under the same spell too but thankfully your momma was all that I needed.

This is going to be one of many talks I plan on having with you about sex because I wouldn’t bee that much of a father if I didn’t.

So for the moment … just wait, be a kid for a while before opening that door. The right girl is going to understand.

And you’ll feel much better for it.

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I know the title may be a little ambiguous but just hear me out. I started this blog because I wanted to have open and honest discussions about Sex, Porn and Sexuality. This means that my traffic is a little lower than some of the big boys and there are times I wonder if I should keep doing what I’m doing.

You see I don’t like it when people are silent about something that should benefit them or save their lives in some way.

Case Number One: While lurking on Twitter I “heard” this question being asked: “Why is that people tell their fantasies to everyone except their significant others?”

I can’t really answer that question without calling into my own experiences. I’ve been very fortunate to have open and honest conversations with many of my friends and what I stress to them is that they don’t need to be like I was earlier in my relationships. You should be able to share what turns you on or what you dislike with the person you have sex with.

However I have heard stories that SOs in relationships are constantly jealous of those fantasies. Why? Why is it that your lady doesn’t love you if she has fantasies about some stud Musician? Why ladies does it means that your man doesn’t love you because he wants to try something Spicy in the bedroom?

I always think that having a fantasy life is like eating at a smorgasbord. You’re not going to like everything so you’re going to pick and choose what you want to make your perfect meal.

I think the reason for so many people dipping out on their mates is a lack of communication about what they want or like. I have a friend who likes freaky women like Belladonna but he keeps dating women who 1) hate porn or 2) don’t have a freak bone in their bodies. So what happens after having boring, non-Belladonna type sex for so many months? He ends up cheating on her via internet porn or In Real Life (IRL).

This kinda leads into my second point: I don’t think people talk enough about sex, period. I mean sex is not just about fucking but I think that there a lot of times that people don’t even talking about the mechanics and the politics of sex unless some Famous Person is involved in something bad.

Tiger Woods got into a car accident because of a supposed domestic dispute regarding supposed extramarital affairs. Now everyone from Dr. Drew to Supahead is coming out trying to “diagnose” his “problem” and women are coming out of the woodwork like the last scene in Spartacus.

You don’t know what kind of sex problems were going on in that house. Maybe Elin was made because Tiger did not respect a “code” that he and her set up (“Do what you want just don’t disrespect the family.”). Or maybe he wanted something more and was too chicken shit to tell his wife.

Whatever Tiger’s issue was I think he could have avoided all of this by being honest with his wife and letting Mrs. Woods make the decision wither or not she wanted to stay.

There needs to be more comprehensive discussion about sex and what falls under its umbrella. I get a little tired of people trying to dictate what sex should or should not be. That’s like trying to dictate what is and what isn’t Black. It’s impossible to put down but there are plenty of people who love to say what is clean sex and dirty sex.

C’mon folk its sex … all of it. Just because its not something you get down with doesn’t mean that you should jettison the acts because you feel its dirty. I say as long as it doesn’t involved children or animals its all fair game.

Of course that’s my opinion and you may disagree but I think there needs to be more of an open dialogue good or bad.

Speaking of dialogue … when was the last time someone had comprehensive sex education at each level of development. You don’t have it at the K-12 level, you don’t have it at the college level and you sure as well don’t have it when you get out off the real world. Talking about having sex and giving you the tools to make proper decisions about sex is lacking and left to people own devices they are forced to turn to porn, books and other people who have bad info.

Think I’m exaggerating. Ask your Priest, Doctor or other health professional why they don’t mention good sex as a component for keeping a marriage together. Ask you friends where they learned how to the learned about sex. Ask publishers why there hasn’t been a major sex education book since Joy of Sex and the Karma Sutra.

Okay I’ve shouted from my soapbox enough. So readers why do you think that folk are quiet on Sex? Is it for the reasons I mentioned, is there something else I might have missed or should I just Sit Down And Shut Up?

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Since the last couple of guest postings went over like gangbusters, a friend of mine named Ms. Insatiable wanted to join in on the fun. She writes her own blog called the The Insatiable Life, and we always have conversations about porn and its problems therein. She had some thoughts about Black Porn and things that bother her about the genre. Okay let me stop running my mouth and let Ms. Insatiable…..

Finally, finally , finally! After 2 months of procrastination, a new job and a little bit of free time on my hands, I am gracing Blacksexxxology with a post entitled, “10 things I hate about black porn”. I got into porn at a young age, like many others, I would sneak into my parents’ bedroom and watch their videos when I got home from school. Not only did they turn me on, but I also found myself pointing out every single flaw on each tape. Whether it is was the bad lightening or the poor soundtrack, something was ALWAYS wrong. It was nothing like our white counterparts, whose sets were tropical locations and scenes were like those in Harlequin romance novels. No, “our” movies were about straight fuckin’ and nothing else while “Pumps in a Bump” blasted in the background.

Alas, I am getting away from the topic at hand. So yes, 15 plus years later, black porn has come a long way but still has quite a ways to go. Here is my list of 10 things I hate about black porn:

1. Lighting – Can we please get some real lighting technicians on set and not Pookie and ‘nem holding grandma’s good lamp? I’m just saying. A little bit of effort will goes a long way.

2. Casting – Porn stars have gone downhill since I first got into them. Back in the day they had nice bodies, great smiles and were subpar actresses. Nowadays, they pulling any and everything with an ass (or lack thereof) off the streets to “bend over and show the world”. Boo, put your clothes back on and hit up Bally’s before rolling back up here.

3. Ugly Male Costars – I’m sorry but as a woman, nothing turns us on more than a man that can slang dat thang, than a man that is FIONE while slinging it. Men that star in black porn have been very easy on the eyes since the beginning. Can we get some Denzel looking brothas in there? Some LL Cool J’s? Something!

4. The Soundtrack – I am not saying we need some Luke blasting in the background, or Kenny G crooning on his sax. Give us a nice, baby making soundtrack that will make the viewers wet just by listening.

5. The Camera Angles – I’m not a cinematographer, but I do know that sticking the camera up the woman’s vajayjay is not a turn on. Sure, we want to see some thrusting and a good shot of the wet-wet, but sometimes it seems like you are trying to show us her uterus too.

6. Anal to Mouth Action – This is just plain nasty. This dude has had his d#ck all up in your butt and now you want to give him some head…immediately after he has pulled I tout? Ewww! I do not know what book you read from but once something has been up in your butt, you do not put it anyplace else without “sterilizing” it first.

7. Lackluster Orgies – I’m not a big fan on orgies. *kanyeshrug* Just not my thing. But can you please stop putting the newbie, the old head, the one who can’t take a dick, 3 lame dudes that talk to each other THE WHOLE TIME, and that one chick who makes it her mission to out suck all the other chicks?

8. A DVD of Cum Shots – Now this could just be me, but I hate DVDs that have nothing but cum shots on them. I would like to see the other action leading up to the finale. That’s like a story with no beginning or middle. The end isn’t that sweet.

9. Strippers turn Pornstars – There is always that one chick that spends more time strutting around the house doing booty bounces before she even gets to the guy and they get busy. It is usually 15 minutes of this crap or of the camera guy asking her to do it. Please leave it at Strokers.

10. And finally…Wesley Pipes! I can’t begin to tell you all how much this dude irritates me. He spends the entire movie telling the other guy “yea, yea, fuck her man! Fuck her!” in his West Coast accent. Not to mention when its one-on-one action and he’s sounding more like dudes straight outta Compton with his ‘”Naw, take this dick! Take this dick girl. You can take it!”. Please Wesley, go somewhere…quick.

To all my porn aficionados, I wish you champagne, condoms and lubricant nights!

Ms Insatiable, as I mentioned before can be followed at her website of The Insatiable Life. However you have to subscribe to view and she does take her subscriptions seriously.

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I love my readers. I really do. I’ve said this before because of the way they do engage me and point me into new directions or new experiences.

Today’s topic came from one of my favorite reader’s Alice. She sent me a very interesting video from Cindy Galloup who spoke at TED

She made news with her 4 minute speech which told the audience that thanks to porn and the lack of sex education to balance it out, you have a number of men having a warped view of how to even have sex.

It’s something that I’ve spoken with my female friends but I think that one part of this goes the heart of the matter. To paraphrase Cindy Gallop, most porn is created by men, for men and touches on men’s fantasies. To that point she referenced her website, Make Love Not Porn, which hopes to balance out the Myths of Porn with their realities.

I liked what she had to say because it didn’t attempt to shame the people who watch porn (Ms. Gallop mentioned that she is a porn watcher herself) but wanted them to take a different look at porn.

My view has always been that porn is fake on so many levels. Porn is like action movies, with plenty to stunts and stuntpeople but not something you could do in real life.

I just wish more people would see it that way.

More later.

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If you were not aware, December 1st is World AIDS Day. If you haven’t been tested I implore you to get that done at any of your local health centers.

This has been a public announcement by Mr. BlackSexxx and BlackSexxxology.

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